The Story of the Unwanted

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Written by Johnny Mayo

Lately, it seems that since the world has been afflicted with the a highly contagious virus, know as the Covid-19, we have all began to question the very essence of our lives. In ways that can be a great thing for a person to do. Being stuck in the house, looking at the four cornered walls in your bedroom can do wicked things to the mind. Using this time to reflect on your life can cause a host of emotions that will have you calling your father or mother upset and crying. When analyzing critical turning points within ones life it can help a person discover who they really are and what mistakes to avoid in the future. During this past year I have comet to discovered things about myself that were very depressing. My belief, though, is that a person can not truly move forward without coming to grip with these issues that we keep deep down inside of us. Much Like spicy Thai food, it eventually comes out in the toilet. The reason this piece is called the “Story of the Unwanted” isn’t because no one has wanted me in there life. The feeling of not being wanted has never crossed my mind in life when it comes to love ones, mainly because I am wanted by my love ones. At least, I mean, they never gave me any indication of anything different. The real reason for the title is the fact that I have never wanted to be wanted throughout my life. From a grade school child I avoided other children like the

plague. When another child would come over to play blocks with me I would find a reason to get away from them. At home, with four of my siblings, sharing one tv, I never wanted to sit with them and spend time. The enjoyment of being alone was all I craved for at that time. Later on, in my early 20s, in the Navy, people were drawn to me even though I tried my best to be alone. Those relationships exist to this day and I cherish them. The feeling of wanting to be unwanted is like playing in a basketball game your trying to lose. It can lead you into questioning why you should even play in the game. That is one of the reasons Allen Iverson’s famous quoted line in a playoff after game interview was so closely analyzed. “I’m talking about a game and ya’ll talking bout practice. Practice, man, not a game but practice,” Iverson said to the reporters when asked why he wasn’t practicing with the team. The reason why practice was so important for him to realize was because, without practice, can a team really build cohesion enough to win a game. When you really go dive deep in, it was also his isolation from his teammates. He was giving his teammates the feeling that he didn’t want to be wanted by them. He wanted to be unwanted. Maybe because being wanted leads to people depending on you all the time. Pressure to live up to standards others set to for you or even the fact that being wanted leads a person into wanting to fit in. Think about it, to get a position in a company a person has to be wanted and you have to prove that you want them to want you. Sounds twisted when say out loud, but this leads people into creating an image that will propel them into that position. That image has to be maintained and re evaluated over and over with an organization during yearly evaluations. They want you to stay the same or show improvements for you to keep that position. Some say being unwanted is like floating through life without meaning. While I have the belief that part of that statement is true, the first part can be debated. Being unwanted can lead you into making others wanted. Instead of spending time trying to be wanted you can focus on others and help them be what they want to be. That selflessness is important in life and keeps the world turning. Wanting to be unwanted can also lead you into dark places also. You do not cherish relationships like others who want to be wanted. I used to admire people at gatherings who tried to get along with each other even though they hated one another. The admiration I felt was because I wanted to be able to pretend the same way they did, but from years of wanted to be like this it was hard to be different. Fitting in wasn’t something I wanted to do, so I just said what I wanted to say. As life goes on you want to cherish those relationships because in the end you only have memories. This leads me to the ultimate conclusion of wanting to be unwanted. When you come into this world you are alone and you leave it the same. The reason most people want to be unwanted is because that being alone is the ultimate meaning life and death, but there’s much more to it. Being alone you never find the meaning being alive. Being alive is enjoying life no matter the ups and downs that we go through.

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